The Single Most EPIC Soul Eater Fanfic Yet
by Gunpowder Cookies
Summary: Do you ever get tired of Mary Sues, bad spilling, nonsensical scenes and overly cliche storylines? Neither do we! Come along for some terrible writing! Rated T for language, rating may change.
1. The Adventures of a Mary Sue

**AN: Haha, like the title? This is a parody of fanfiction, or more, me writing a bad fanfic on purpose. There's gonna be three or four different themes that will rotate chapters, with oneshots and drabbles thrown in. I'm writing this purely for the fun of it- I don't mean to offend anyone. On the other hand, if you get easily offended, I have but one piece of advice: Don't read this! **

**Disclaimer: *insert witty comment about not owning Soul Eater***

* * *

><p>What time was it, 11 pm? Wait… 11:01. A girl sat in her bedroom, wearing her pyjamas and a fluffy nightgown. Having spent half her day shovelling black, mushy ick out of a pond, she was hoping to browse Fanfiction until the small hours.<p>

One problem… no internet.

Oh _**F**_laming _**U**_nicycles _**C**_rushing _**K**_ids.

Sighing, she opened up a Microsoft Word document, only to stare at the plain white pixels in front of her. What was she supposed to write?

Yes, she did have many ideas. But she was tired and cranky, so she decided to spite whoever made up the rules of good fanfiction. With a devilish grin on her face, the girl began to type…

* * *

><p><strong>~ The Adventures of a Mary Sue !11! ~<strong>

_A tale of twins, two shinigamis, twoKishins/Kishin/Kishi/Whatever the plural of Kishin is and …other stuff. Rated K – no language, kiddos!_

It was a bootiful sunny day. Birds were khirping their khirpy songs, the sun was grinningz happily and there was not a kloud in the sky. It was basikly good weather. Why did I even bother waffling on with overly used frases?

Anyway diz happened to be the day that Mary Sue began her life at DWMA. She was a talented bootiful well-endowned and friendly girl but life was hard for her. (SEE, shes not perfect!)

As a khild, she was expelled from Witkh Sokiety because errebodii was zelous of her kickayuss magic. She lived on da streetz for several years before being adopted by an elderly couple dat she attempt to rob. It was only when teh elderly couple turn out to be powerful Kishins/Kishin/Kishi/Whatever teh plural of Kishin is bent on destroying da world dat she discover her true heritage- she wuz half shinigami. No teh white lines on her hair had not been a giveawayz ok? Cos dey werent really noticeable. Cuz I as teh author say so.

After killing both Kishins/Kishin/Kishi/Whatever teh plural of Kishin is with a rocket powa feather dusta that she had been hidin for occasions just like dat she hiked around the world for a few years visiting all of the continientz including Africa Europe Antarctica and France. On da way she had prevented numerous apocolopez saved a handful of countries and defeated one particuliariry horrifying demon that had been wiping out cities for 134 years 6 months and 18 days by the name of Mittens the alarming bloodcurdling chilling ceerpy eerie hair-raisin hairy horrendous horrifying intimidating shcoking spine-chilling spooky unnervious & chewy.

Now she wuz about to embark on her great adventure yet. With her black hair in pigtailz and a uniform consisting of a black skirt black knee-length sockz black boots a black shirt black tie and a black cardigan compliment her purple eyes (Shes not goffick ok?) she was ready for action.

Dashing up the Shibusen stairs she was instantly flung back down again as a white-haired (is it white? Maybe platinum blonde would be more accurate) blur glomped her.

"MY DARLING TWIN SISTER!"

"MY EVEN MORE DARLINGER TWIN BROTHER! SOOOOOUUUUUUL!"

(Yes, Marie Sue and Sol are twinz. Dey wuz sepurated at birf)

"MAKAAA CHOP! GET OFF MAH MAN, _**B**_ELEAMIC _**I**_GUANA _**T**_REATING _**C**_ONSTIPATED _**H**_EDGEHOGS! Your manners are no better than a dogs!" (Lawl that rhymed!)

Mary Sue & Soul looked at the fuming Maka and blinked. "You know were twins."

"I kudnt kare less so I didnt guess." (Lawl that rhymed!"

"That would be incest." (incest is gross, amirite?)

"Meh I always found law such a bore." (Lawl that rhymed!)

"I ONLY LUFF YOU MAKA MY CUPPY CAKE!" Soul suddenly cried, flying into his meisters waiting arms.

"Oh Soul my Snuggle Bunny, your so funny!" (Lawl that rhymed!)

Mary Sue turned away as the pair immediately started making out.

"YaHOO! THE Gr8 black staRrrr IS GRaScinG YUh Wiv HIS GODLY PuRReSENcE!"

Mary Sue skipped up to the blue haired boy. "Hi!"

Black Star started at her for a second before dropping to his knees & worshipping her. "OMG I NoE undertstood DA meaNiNg oV liFe! Dis is Leik 2 kewl!" Then, after a few seconds, he jumped up, his voice having miraculously broken and become several octaves lower in said few seconds. "FIGHT ME!" *cue dramatic music*

"Kk."

"Uuhhh… Black Star?" A dark haired girl asked. "Should we really be kicking the _**A**_ngry _**S**_enile _**S**_nake of this weak pathetic looking girl? We might give her internal bleeding…"

"SHell be fiYNe wiVoUt a fEW vItal orRRRganz."

"OKEY DOKEY!" Tsubaki sang, transforming into her weapon form.

Black Star grabbs it and twirled it aimlessly for like 10 seconds (well, 10.87329, to be exact) before turning on Mary Sue.

"IMMA GONNA KICK YO _**A**_NGRY _**S**_ENILE _**S**_NAKE, _**B**_ELEAMIC _**I**_GUANA _**T**_REATING _**C**_ONSTIPATED _**H**_EDGEHOGS!"

"Kay." Mary Sue replied.

With a roar Black Star hurtled his weapon at the girl. (okay technically she was a shinigami witch but let's not bother with such minute details kay?"

Or more nothingness. (Okay, there were air particles there, I guess. Stop questioning my logic and just read the story, you mongeese!)

_**C**_ults _**R**_evering _**A**_pple _**P**_ie.

Before Black Star could even resgistre what had happened a kick was delivered to his face sending him flying over to Luxembourge. (Thats a country in Whales.)

Having finally beenz done their make out session Maka and Soul came over.

"That was epikk I-forgot-what-your-name-is! You should be in showbiz!" Maka chirped, buttoning up her shirt. (Lawl that rhymed!)

"The namez Sue. Mary Sue." Mary Sue said to the fourth wall with a hair toss. She then turned away from said shatterd wall and wiped imageinary sweat off her brow. "But seriously, holy _**C**_ults _**R**_evering _**A**_pple _**P**_ie!11 That was even harder than taking down Mittens the alarming bludcurtingly chilling creepy eerie hair-raising hairy horrendous horrifying imintiating shocking spine-chilling spooky unnerving & chewy!1"

Maka gasp head still stuck in her vest. "You mean you were the one who took down Mittens the alarming bloodcurdling chilling creepy eerie hair-raizing hairy horrenduisous, horrifying intimidating shocking spinechillin spooky unnerving and chewy? Was it gooey?" (Lawl that rhymed!)

"Yes."

"OH EHM GHEE! I have new found respectz for you, Mary Sue!" (Lawl that rhymed!)

Soul grinned his hazardous grin (What's that look for? Those teeth are a health hazard!). "THATS MY DARLING TWIN SISTER FOR YOU."

"Oh Soul my Snuggle Bunny your so funny1" (Lawl that rhymed!)

"MAKA MY CUPPY CAKE!"

Mary Sue turned away from the disturbing seen just as three figures approach. Two of them were female, but she didn't really care about them, because _they _were inferior to her! (She is! DON'T LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT.) But…

She cared about _him._

He had black hair with asymmetrical white stripes, golden eyes (okay, so they were technically yellow, but golden sounds more romantic, okay?) and was wearing a black and white suit. Although his hair ruined the perfect symmetry of her clothing to her it was his most beautiful feature his skin was pale white yet he caused her to feel surreal internal warmth she had not known possible. The moment their eyes met something clicked. Meg... *ehem* I mean Mary Sue felt like all of her life beforehand hand been trivial nothing compared to the feeling she had now as she looked into his golden eyes (SHUT UP ABOUT THEM BEING YELLOW!) He was everything even more important to her than life itself (okay, maybe not… she'd have to think about that one.)

The boy collapsed to his knees looking up at her in a distinctely romantic way. His voice liek a bit lezz than a whisper when he spoke.

"…And so the lion fell in love with the perfectly symmetrical lamb."

Kid then began to sparkle. (LIEK DAT EDWERD COLLAN DOODE.)

"LOOK! KIDDO TURNED INTO A POWERPUFF GIRL!1"

"Now now Liz calm down." Patti soothed attempting to pin down her bouncing sister. Liz went still then stood up brushing herself down. (THE GROUND IS DIRTEH OK?)

"Yeah you're right. Gonna go see where Black Star is cuz I need an excuse to leave. Bye." She said walking away.

Patti poofed into a puff of smoke since she wouldn't have any other mention in this chapter.

"Death the Kid…" (Mary Sue instantly knew his name since I decided name asking lines would ruin the romance) "…do you feel the same way I do?"

"Yes my Mary Sue. Yes."

"Well aint that just peachy!"

Their faces were idunno 3 inches away from each other when they were torn apart by a certain doof.

"Yo _**B**_read_** I**_guanas _**T**_reating _**C**_onstipated _**H**_edgehods _**E**_xtremely _**S**_orrowfully! BlaK StaRR IS iN Da HOUSE!1!"

"How did you get back here dear?" (Lawl that rhymed!) Maka axed having somehow truned up next to him.

Tsubaki returned to her human form and answred. "We hitched a lift with a Time Lord."

"COOL."

"Tell us tell us!" Kid sang having dropped his romantic personoa. He was hopping _(symmetry_ hopping) excitedly.

"It might be a bit long…"

"YEAH, AND THE AUTHORZ TOO LAZY TO TYPE IT."

"Maybe we should discuss it in the magical other realm of what isnt included in the story?" Mary Sue suggested helpfully. (She's so nice!)

"Gr8 iDeyur!"

Maka turns to the remains of da fourth wall (cos Mary Sue is so epikk so she broke it LOL). "That's all for today, folks!" (Lawl that… never mind.)

* * *

><p>It was now… 12:40. Oh.<p>

But that was irrelevant. The girl leaned back, smirking at the screen before her.

This was going to be one heck of a ride.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: And there you go! I might have some polls on my page as to what the other chapters should include (I have many ideas). But yeah, I don't care what flames I may get. I have a sense of humor to extinguish them with. I give massive thank yous to LittleMissSophie, my ever patient Beta Reader who is a ninja at pointing out odd wording and purposefully making my spelling bad.<strong>

**And if u flame my story, ur a prep. *shot for referencing **_**My Immortal**_*****

**~ Meg has left the building. Thank you and goodnight.**

_B/R: Hiya. I'm here, making this fic more terrible. On purpose. BECAUSE I'M EVIL. *insert evil music here* _

_Just a note in case you didn't get it: __**THIS IS A TROLLFIC**__. This is no way a true representation of either mine or Cookie's work. So before you get your panties in a knot about this PURPOSEFULLY written terribly fic; we're doing this for comedy. So no, no srs buiznezz in dis fic. Kk?_

_**Tune in next time for chapter 2- "Patti's Fanfiction: A Paradise of Crack Pairings"!**_


	2. Patti's Fanfiction

_**AN: Hi, this is Meg, here to ruin fanfiction forever. You're very welcome. This chapter was… an interesting process. Basically, I picked around 8 pairings out of two hats (one for guys, one for girls since I'm too cowardly to attempt Yaoi or Yuri) and chose one that would be fun to write. The results were weird… Maka x Spirit, Mizune x Excalibur, Crona x Crona… I eventually settled on this pairing. And yes, this is called Patti's Fanfiction. Imagine what would happen if she was truly let loose on the internet…**_

_**Claimer: I totally own Soul Eater and all of its characters.**_

_***shot for blatant lies***_

_**Owwww… okay, let me redo that.**_

_**Disclaimer: I don't own Soul Eater. Happy?**_

* * *

><p>Patti grinned with pleasure as she checked her email inbox; there were a few favourite authors, 5 story alerts, 3 favourite stories and about 2 reviews. Not that bad, considering she had last checked it five minutes ago.<p>

Upon discovering the wonder that is Fanfiction, Patti had quickly realised that she had an edge on other writers- she lived in the animeverse. What writer knew the main cannon of Soul Eater better than she did? Who else on the website knew that Kid's boxers were shinigami skull patterned? That he owned a teddy bear whom he had lovingly named "Sir Bearington"? (though he made sure to hide his knighted plushie whenever somebody came to visit).

Oh, she knew more than that. She knew the deepest, darkest and most embarrassing secrets of all her friends. Even the dirtiest weren't unknown…

And so, Patti had released all of her friends' most embarrassing secrets online in the form of fanfiction. And it they were a hit!

Recently, Patti had decided to actually write stuff that was original, and so wrote pairing fics. She was well known for covering inventive pairings (Kilik x Ragnarok, Soul x Marie and Stein x Giriko were in there among others). She specialised in Yaoi, but the occasional Yuri or Straight fic managed to slip in.

The blonde haired girl looked at her notebook. It held all of her ideas, plans and doodles for stories. She closed her eyes and stuck her finger on a random part of the page.

I'll wriiitttee…. That one!

Sticking her tongue out of her mouth in concentration, the demon gun started typing furiously…

* * *

><p><strong>~ A Swordsman's Heart ~<strong>

Once upon a time there was a bit- sorry, I mean witch called Arachne. Which was all very good, until she made weapons. By killing people.

Naturally, she wasn't very popular because of this, and was hunted down. So she used some magic to disappear for around 800 years; cuz that's how she rolls.

After 800 years (in which her skin never became wrinkly, cuz that's just gross) she came back and was ready to TAKE OVER THE WORLD! MUAHAHAHAHA!

To do this, she recruited the help of the bestest most smexiest samurai evar- Yojimbo Mifune (but everyone just called him Mifune because he's Japanese even though he doesn't look it. Duh, he's a samurai, of course he's Japanese!). She promised to protect his little… uhhh… mistress, Angela, in return for his service.

And by "service", I mean SEX! OH YEAH! KABOOM!

*dignified cough*

By "service", she actually meant his swordsman skills and all that stuff. But, hey, there was sex involved anyway, because fanfic + sex = a ton of reviews, amirite?

So, the moment Mifune laid eyes on Arachne he was all "zOMG SHE HAF BIG BOOBS!" and then "What light through yonder window breaks? It is the East, and Arachne is the sun."

Now, whilst she was an evil bi-witch, Arachne had always dreamed ever since she was a little b-witch of a strong, heroic samurai to be her strong, heroic samurai.

So, when she laid eyes on Mifune she was all "OMG! I just found my strong, heroic samurai!" and then "Mifune, Mifune, wherefore art thou Mifune?"

"I'm here."

Arachne shot him a glare. "By 'wherefore', I meant 'why', stupid. Didn't you ever learn Shakespeare?"

Mifune answered with an extremely mushy monologue about true love that was so goddamn fluffy that my computer crashed and deleted it. (Cause it couldn't handle the TWU LUV)

But the b-witch was so enchanted that she immediately jumped on him in a moment of fangirl squealiness.

And so a steamy night of lemon and whatnot occurred, because sex makes everything more interesting, don't you agree?

AND MIFUNE WAS ALL LEIK OMG I LOVE YOU ARACHNE

AND ARACHNE WAS ALL OMG I LOVE YOU TOO!

(Note: I accidentally had Caps lock on. And I'm too lazy to go back and rewrite it. Deal with it.)

And then Black Star turned up and killed Mifune who delivered and angsty death speech (Angst makes everything better!) and died a dramatic death.

"I'm dying!"

Thank you, Mifune, for that oh-so-enlightening speech. Anyway, where are we?

Oh yeah, the male protagonist just died. Anyway, so Black Star was declaring what a god he is.

"I ISH GAAAAAAAWD!"

Okay, can people stop intruding on my story?

…Good. Now we'll continue.

So Arachne was being all Juliet-like and crying over Mifune's body and Black Star was busy declaring his godliness when somebody appeared…...

...…...It was Maka! (see my clever use of the overly long ellipsis there?)

So Maka got all powerful and whatnot through courage/the power of friendship/believing in herself/inner strength/Red Bull and killed Arachne who also delivered an epic death speech.

"…"

Okay Arachne, you can say your speech now.

"Ouch."

Why, Arachne, what a wonderful speech that was. I'm getting all tearful now.

And then they both died. Like Romeo and Juliet (see what the quotes at the beginning were there for? Geddit?)

Now, somehow it turned out that there two had a kid called Arifune, who had no gender because if Medusa can have a genderless kid, goshdarnit Arachne can have one too! So Arifune became the protagonist of a sequel in which nothing happened. There was just a sequel to try and get reviews.

And then the world imploded.

**THE END**

* * *

><p>"Patti?" Liz asked, poking her head round the door. "What are you doing?"<p>

"Noooothing!" her sister sang innocently. "Just playing Sims!"

"Uh-huh, okay then."

When Liz had left, Patti slammed down the "submit" button, then set to work on her next story.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Killemenao for the ridiculously short chapter.<strong>

**I haven't been updating any Soul Eater stories recently because I'm busy taking part in the Fairy Tail Writing Challenge, updating my most successful story and procrastinating.**

**Anyway, review. The review button is lonely. And not just any lonely. You know the feeling, when you're so lonely that you start talking to your pillow... that's only me? Dang it.**

**All hail the great LittleMissSophie, beta reader, ninja and superhero. HAAAIIIL.**

_B/R: I wasn't aware I was a super hero o3o WHAT AM I DOING IN SCHOOL THEN? It's been so long since I've done a B/R [which none of you read, 'cause who cares about the Beta Reader?] that I forgot what I'm supposed to put here. So I'm going to BREAK DANCE!_

_DUN DUN DUN DUN, DUN DUN, DUN DUN DUN DUN! (Can't touch this)_

_Did you see that? It was the best thing ever, riiiigghhttt? /is being lame._

_Oh right. I'm supposed to beg for reviews. 'Cause I'm shameless like that._

_PLIZ REVIEW PLIZ, I HAVE A WIFE AND TWO KIDS TO FEED._

_Happy? :D_

**_Tune in next time for "Scarring your Favourite Characters for Life: How not to Write Romance", featuring Soul x Maka!_**


End file.
